The Ultimatum

The Ultimatum

by Airaka Nichole Espinoza Price

It has been almost 9 years of marriage, we have made it through a lot. We live in a great area and in a wonderful ward. We have many friends around us and life seems pretty good all things considered. I lost my Mom the day before Thanksgiving and it still hurts very much, it is something I never thought I would get through. Now it is spring time and I am again reminded of her words, “springtime when people are twitter pated.” And I think to myself how in love I am with Rick and how grateful I am for him. I get the urge to send him a little email.

I write the following, “I love you, I miss you. Hope your having a good day! The alphabet starts with ABC; numbers start with 123, but Love Starts With You And Me. LOVE your WIFE, AIRAKA.” Then I wait for the response e-mail. It comes and I am sad and disappointed with his response. “I am in my last day of training for a while. I love you. Sorry, I am not a better husband.” A one liner. He's famous for those. I decide maybe he's having a bad day and I should let him know its not true.
“Who said you weren't a good husband? I'll kick their butt! I love you a ton. I know you were tired last night at least I hope that's all it was. Love you honey.” I get back a fast response this time. It's another one liner, “You are to nice.” What is that supposed to mean? I start to get a little angry remembering the night before when he didn't even want to touch me. I decide to try and to let it go. I send him a new message. “No you are..........kisses to you honey. What we gonna do tonight? What should we have for dinner?”
Rick replies later this time, “Not sure. Did you find the Qwest check? We have to take the RedBox back. We could get a family one.” I decide to get on instant messaging where it is faster.
“OK, I'll look for the check.” I start out with on my instant messenger.

“Did anybody exercise the dog?”
“Not really shes been out a little today!”
“Okay, I guess I better do that, but labs are big dogs.”

Tuesday, April 1st, 2008 1:13 P.M.

The following day I start where we lift off so to speak with an email. “OK, so I have been trying to understand what has been going on with us lately and I am stuck, frustrated, and still emotional about it. I am worried that there is something deeper going on that I don't know or understand. I want to work this out but I am not in your head so I can't help until I know what's going on. What is it that you are feeling? Is it the meds that are making you less “excited” or is it that an excuse for something else.
I don't want to feel or think stupid things like that maybe you are cheating, not attracted to me anymore and so forth, but these thoughts do go through my head. It is humiliating to be denied. I can't help but have self loathing after those incidents occur. I know you keep saying you'll try to be a better husband or “sorry I'm not better”, but why don't you try or start by talking to me and not just beating around the bush? I want to know how I can help you feel better about things.
I hope I am not making you feel like this is the only thing I care about, because I think in most all aspects of our marriage I am satisfied, but it is in this one area that I feel like I am neglected and abused. I end up on a shame spiral. I don't understand how on Sunday you get in the mood. You have YOUR fun. Then I try again and still nothing. I put myself out of my comfort zone and did something I normally would never do and still I was rejected and back on the shame spiral. It's becoming like a regular ride at Disneyland. It still bothers me and I am not happy. I feel hurt and upset. So I guess I'll just ask: Is it fixable? How do we fix it? YOUR, WIFE.”

Tuesday, April 1st, 2008 1:35 P.M.

“Alright if you feel you really need to pin me down. Yes, I do feel that if you were thinner it would help me preform. But if I try and aid you in anyway you get mad at me. I know in the next life it will not be an issue and I also know all the arguments about unconditional love.
If I were to be as honest as you have been. I would say I feel like a peep-squeak. I want to be upstanding for you. I have never cheated on you and yes, I feel like everything will be fine. I am not trying to force anything on you, but if it takes paying for help I will do that. I feel useless in the fact that I know so many things to help, but you will not let me help you. We have to fix your foot more than anything else. That is a health stopper and if you get pregnant it will cause a lot of pain. We can keep this to email if you want. However, I do not want to give up or have you feel I am picking on you when clearly I am the one at fault. Love, Rick.”

Tuesday, April 1st, 2008 2:12 P.M.

“What does this mean? “If I were to be as honest as you have been. I would say I feel like a peep-squeak.” Do you mean a pip squeak? And what is it that makes you feel like a pip squeak? So you really aren't attracted to me. I was right in feeling the way I do. And last night I was right about your little innuendo. Okay well, just answer the question above please.”

Tuesday, April 1st, 2008 3:10 P.M.

“I do not give little innuendos, maybe I have said something trying not to hurt your feelings. And as far as weight loss goes I just thought the BodyBugg sounded cool. Attraction is not black or white. I would say, 'As.'”

Tuesday, April 01, 2008 03:33 P.M.

“The attraction is either there or it isn't. I didn't say it was black and white. Thank you for being honest with me finally. I guess now I will have to revue my options and make a decision. Just so you know. I am left with the feelings of humiliation, and resentment. I now have the information which I already knew it just wasn't confirmed and now that it is. I am not sure how to proceed.
Please understand the difficulty I will now have in being near or around you, knowing now how you really feel. Even if I wanted to I am not going to become thin over night, so if I do lose weight it will take at least a year to get to a “NORMAL” size. So for a year I will have those same feelings of humiliation and being ashamed of who I am. I am so embarrassed right now, I can't believe I ever thought someone could love me like this. I wish I could go back 9 years ago and tell myself not to call your number. It would have been better for me to not have known what it was like to almost be happy. I regret now having children with you. It would have made it so much easier for me to just let you go. Now I have them to consider. At this point I am not sure what to do. Do we just say okay let's get divorced? Do we tell your parents and my family? Should we just live together in separate bedrooms? Maybe for the sake of the kids we should do the latter. Unless you think that would screw them up more. I guess it doesn't really matter at this point they will probably be screwed up no matter what. I was a fool to think you actually were in love with me. I came home the other night thinking it would be okay. I realize now it's not and it won't be.
I am sorry for taking the last nine years of your life and for being such a disappointment to you. I don't know what else to say, but I don't think I could handle you looking at me so please understand that when you come home tonight I really don't want to see you. For dinner you guys can have the potato salad and I bought a thing of that microwave meat that you like. Follow the directions on the box. If you don't want that I am sure you guys could find something. I will be in the upstairs bedroom with the door locked.
Please respect my wishes. I'll put some garments and socks in Logan's drawers in his room. You can get your clothes from their and sleep downstairs in your chair. Boy am I glad that you were “inspired” to get that!”

Tuesday, April 1st, 2008 3:42 P.M.

“Are you on your meds? You are a very pretty girl and I think you should stop this line of thinking before you hurt yourself. I apologize I am not perfect, I wish I was. It is true my meds effect my moods or great lack there of. But you are wrong to think you are not pretty. I do not know what to do to help you.”

Tuesday, April 01, 2008 03:57 P.M.

“No. But believe me in saying that anyone would feel the way that I do. If they were told by their husband of 9 years that he wasn't attracted to her and that the fact that he couldn't get aroused was because of the fact that he wasn't attracted to her.
I am not sure what line of “thinking” you are referring too. I am just being honest. Don't worry I won't make a mistake like showing to much skin again. I should have just went with my general instinct to stay completely covered up. It won't happen again. I am sure that is a relief for both you and me. I am sure it was embarrassing for you as well.
You don't need to lie anymore. I just have one question for you though. WHY? Why did you marry me? Why did you ask? Why not just stop the pretending earlier on, I mean if it was just some kind of experiment to sleep with someone fat? I just don't understand that part. The hardest part for me now is I have no one to talk to. I already told Lacy everything was fine and that it turned out you were worried I was going to die so you were upset. She thought that was so sweet by the way. I can't tell her now that it was a lie. I have no one.”

Tuesday, April 1st, 2008 4:04 P.M.

“I asked you to marry me, because I love you silly. You have Heather, the Bishop, and others. I am not dead either. Why would I want to hurt you?”

Tuesday, April 1st, 2008 4:39 P.M.

“I know your very capable of loving someone, like the way you love your friend Malcolm or your kids, parents siblings. I get it. But you weren't in love with me. There is a difference I may be fat and unattractive, but I still think I deserve to have at least that.”

Tuesday, April 1st, 2008 4:47 P.M.

“You need to see Dr Earp or somebody. ASAP.”
That would be the last email in that conversation. Do I really need to call and get an appointment with the doctor? How would he fix things? How would my marriage survive? I walk into my bathroom and turn the water on. I turn it so the bathroom fills with steam and the water is too hot to barely stand I climb in and start to sob in tears. My worst fear has come true. My husband has no love for me. Not in the way I want to be loved. I finish my bath while my children are at the neighbors house playing. I put on pajamas, I don't feel the need to get dressed. Who do I need to impress?

I brush my wet hair and pull it back into a pony tail. I have self loathing as I look at myself in the mirror. I see myself not as the person I am. Not as Laurissa and Logan's Mommy or Ricks wife. Not as the daughter or the daughter-in-law, not as a sister or friend and not even as a daughter of god. But I see my self as the ugly monster I have become. She is unhappy and over weight. She doesn't even like herself, how can she expect her own husband to love her. I lay down on my bed and look at the clock on Rick's side of the bed. It's almost 5:30 and he will be home soon. I shiver at the thought of having to face him. I get up and lock the door. I lay there sobbing silently into my pillow, feeling as if my world is about to end. There is a knock at the door. It is Rick. “Honey.... let me in please.”

“No.” I reply in an almost yelling tone and I continue, “Please just respect my wishes, it's the least you can do for me.”

He starts again choking on the words, “I can't do that Airaka. I need to see you now. Please I need to see that you are OK.” His pleading tone tugs at my heart strings. I can't resist, I sit up and wipe my tears from my eyes. I walk over to the door and open it to see my husband my prince standing there. He pushes the door open and locks it behind him. He grabs me in an embrace and then bends down to kiss me tenderly on my mouth. He brushes my tears away and walks me over to the bed and gently pushes me down on the bed. He lays next to me and holds me. Telling me how much he loves me. He tells me he wants to work things out. He starts to touch me and I shiver in fright. The tears begin again and as we make love, I sob.
The next day I am still a mess, it will be a week that I will go with out eating. Only drinking water. I will pull all the pictures off the wall of him and I together locking them up in my hope chest. I finally start to realize after further communication. His fear in losing me is something that helped to contribute to his lack of desire to want to be with me in that physical way. He was afraid that I would die young as my Mom had passed at 46 after years of fighting her illness. He didn't want to lose me to heart disease or something else associated with obesity.

My head becomes clearer, I start to realize this is a life style change that is about choosing life while I am living. It's not a diet. I change my eating habits and start to put me first in that aspect I spend a little extra money to drink diet shakes one for breakfast and one for lunch. I am successful. I start to see results.

Tuesday, July 6th, 2009 5:09 P.M.

I sit here and cry as I help to contribute my part to this book. Sharing intimate thoughts and details of a marriage. Things I wouldn't dare even have shared with the closest of family members. The embarrassment still comes back to me and my cheeks grow pink. Rick sits across from me and I catch him look my way he smiles. I smile back not knowing if what I am doing is right, but I continue anyway. I realize how right he is in saying there is some sort of therapy from writing.
It's been a little over a year and I have lost over sixty pounds of weight. Quite an accomplishment I think. I know I still have more to lose but it isn't just about the weight its choosing life and everyday I choose life and I choose me and I choose my marriage. Depression has been in my life. I have watched close family members suffer, I have watched my husband suffer, and I myself have suffered from it. Depression can be like cancer eating its way into any family and home. It's there and you don't realize it until sometimes its too late. I hope this book will be a way for you to see and recognize the signs that the words and lives we have shared with you will not be in vain.
With all things it takes love, strength, and faith to overcome such obstacles. Depression isn't always healed. It's sometimes just put under control. I can only hope that in sharing my small portion that it will help give you a little understanding of dealing with depression from a spouses point of view. Although Rick's meds also play a huge part in our lack of physical intimacy. I was just as much to blame. It is working through these issues in constructive communication that we were able to find truth, see both sides, and work together as a team. Rick has been a strength and has helped me in so many ways. Little bits of encouragement. My favorite is when he calls me, “The Incredible shrinking woman!” It brightens my day and makes me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile. I think of quotes that get me through.

“I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.” And. “After the storm comes the rainbow.” These small simple words bring comfort and encouragement. I remember the most important words I've ever heard. “I LOVE YOU” and for now it's enough.