THE HONEY MOON IS OVER

THE HONEY MOON IS OVER


by Airaka Nichole Espinoza Price


We spend our honeymoon in Las Vegas, Nevada courtesy of his loving parents. We enjoy our spending time together riding roller coasters and seeing Hoover dam among other things. We go to my parent's house to collect our wedding gifts that my parents are holding for us. We become enthralled in opening up all the wonderful items that would help us start our new life together. We try hard to look happy and act happy, but on the way home I had been crying.

Things were different and I sensed this, it was hard as I realized that marrying someone who takes medication for depression can cause them to behave differently. They are less likely to want to preform marital duties as a young bride at the age of twenty I had expected more. It is not that we did not share in each other, but it did not seem like the stories I had heard. I became confused and broken hearted. Rick was my first kiss therefore my first everything. I didn't know how its supposed to be I only knew how I thought it was supposed to be. As we drove home I became frustrated and ashamed and finally broke down, afraid to talk to anyone about our experience and wondering what I did wrong. What's wrong with me that he doesn't want me, begin to overpower me and I began to go down the shame spiral. I quickly calculated everything wrong with my physical appearance and as most women would do I take the blame. It's all my fault.
The first year is hard for any married couple you adjust to one another's habits and likes and dislikes, as you learn the boundaries and how to respect those boundaries. Right from the start we decided birth control was unnecessary. Imagine my surprise when after almost a year nothing has happened. We go to the doctor where I find out that one thing I am supposed to be able to do as a woman, I would not be able to do with out help it is hard for me to accept this. I feel broken inside and ashamed. Rick is comforting and continues to show his love for me, telling me it will be OK.
We have already gone through two job losses his and mine. Rick heads to school to get his education at the technical center as a gift from his parents and takes a job as a security guard part time at night to help make ends meet. I look for work unsuccessfully. Things are very hard, but we start the colmed medication as we are told it could take up to a year before it even works. We consider this and realize that Rick would be done with school and should have a good job. We think the timing will work out so I start the medication and we both make sacrifices to pay for it.
The time arrives for us to celebrate our first anniversary. We stay at a hotel up in Park City and things look like they are not going to go according to plan. I start to get anxious and by anxious I mean it is the starting of an underlying condition I have never had officially diagnosed with, an anxiety disorder. Rick has dealt with it before and rather well, he calms me and comforts me. He tries to get me to express my feelings and use my words in a proper way. I struggle with this at first but realize if I don't I might lose my marriage, however this time we find out I am pregnant and my hormones have just started to go crazy.

It is a miracle as progesterone levels are still way too low, we are ecstatic to our parents. I will be blessed to have all of the hormone changes that women go through in pregnancy. My moods start to roller coaster will be up and down and all around. Rick is forever sweet and comforting, but we now have the added stress of extended family issues. The pregnancy itself goes pretty smooth until November when I almost lose the baby. I am 11 weeks pregnant. I have wanted to be a mother from the time I was a little girl. I wanted to be like my mom. I'm so scared and pray.

“Please, God don't take this baby from me...”

While I am praying, Janet, a co-worker rushes me to the emergency room and my parents meet me there and eventually Rick comes too. He has been doing extraction work for the church. When all is said and done I am put on bed rest for the rest of the trimester. As I care for my unborn by keeping as still as possible I have faith that everything will turn out like its supposed to and in due course we have a little girl. She is beautiful and when we look into her crystal blue eyes we see heaven.

She is the joy in our lives during a rather difficult time, because even as she is still new to our home we go eighteen months with no pay from the job Rick got two and a half weeks before our daughter was born, just barely getting her on the insurance. During this period of no pay I become pregnant with our second child and it is not the greatest of times as it is 9/11 is still fresh and the Enron scandals are having a great impact on us as Rick cannot find another job and we settle for keeping the insurance. Money is scarce but we somehow manage to live in our apartment and still have Ricks medication paid for with the help from mine and Rick's parents. By the end of the eighteen months we have our little boy and a percentage of back pay. Things are looking up so we move into a bigger apartment. During this time Rick is able to finish school his bachelors degree. I am so proud.
Marriage isn't easy, extended family can cause issues and of course we deal with this on both sides. My feelings get hurt, but Rick has a good head on his shoulders. He tries to teach me how to understand others starting by understanding my parents as people and to have patience for others and in my actions. All of these issues are big issues that some people want to make into small things so they do not have to deal with them.
In my case patience is something that even in my patriarchal blessing I am told to seek after. It is a virtue that I must learn as I have very little patience and even less when it comes to the subject of intimacy with my husband. As the kids lie asleep in their beds in their rooms and the time is ours. I lay next to him and slide my hand around his waste. He grabs my hand and moves it away putting it on my own side. I'm shocked and then embarrassed. He pats my hand as if I am in kindergarten and I wonder what he is thinking as I roll over on my side and begin to sob silently praying he doesn't hear me. It would only bring further embarrassment. I again go down the shame spiral. It's all my fault. I am not attractive enough. If I was attractive and thin it wouldn't matter that he is on medication. He would want me the way I want him.