The Ultimatum
by Airaka Nichole Espinoza Price
It has been almost 9 years of marriage, we have made it through a lot. We live in a great area and in a wonderful ward. We have many friends around us and life seems pretty good all things considered. I lost my Mom the day before Thanksgiving and it still hurts very much, it is something I never thought I would get through. Now it is spring time and I am again reminded of her words, “springtime when people are twitter pated.” And I think to myself how in love I am with Rick and how grateful I am for him. I get the urge to send him a little email.
I write the following, “I love you, I miss you. Hope your having a good day! The alphabet starts with ABC; numbers start with 123, but Love Starts With You And Me. LOVE your WIFE, AIRAKA.” Then I wait for the response e-mail. It comes and I am sad and disappointed with his response. “I am in my last day of training for a while. I love you. Sorry, I am not a better husband.” A one liner. He's famous for those. I decide maybe he's having a bad day and I should let him know its not true.
“Who said you weren't a good husband? I'll kick their butt! I love you a ton. I know you were tired last night at least I hope that's all it was. Love you honey.” I get back a fast response this time. It's another one liner, “You are to nice.” What is that supposed to mean? I start to get a little angry remembering the night before when he didn't even want to touch me. I decide to try and to let it go. I send him a new message. “No you are..........kisses to you honey. What we gonna do tonight? What should we have for dinner?”
Rick replies later this time, “Not sure. Did you find the Qwest check? We have to take the RedBox back. We could get a family one.” I decide to get on instant messaging where it is faster.
“OK, I'll look for the check.” I start out with on my instant messenger.
“Did anybody exercise the dog?”
“Not really shes been out a little today!”
“Okay, I guess I better do that, but labs are big dogs.”
Tuesday, April 1st, 2008 1:13 P.M.
The following day I start where we lift off so to speak with an email. “OK, so I have been trying to understand what has been going on with us lately and I am stuck, frustrated, and still emotional about it. I am worried that there is something deeper going on that I don't know or understand. I want to work this out but I am not in your head so I can't help until I know what's going on. What is it that you are feeling? Is it the meds that are making you less “excited” or is it that an excuse for something else.
I don't want to feel or think stupid things like that maybe you are cheating, not attracted to me anymore and so forth, but these thoughts do go through my head. It is humiliating to be denied. I can't help but have self loathing after those incidents occur. I know you keep saying you'll try to be a better husband or “sorry I'm not better”, but why don't you try or start by talking to me and not just beating around the bush? I want to know how I can help you feel better about things.
I hope I am not making you feel like this is the only thing I care about, because I think in most all aspects of our marriage I am satisfied, but it is in this one area that I feel like I am neglected and abused. I end up on a shame spiral. I don't understand how on Sunday you get in the mood. You have YOUR fun. Then I try again and still nothing. I put myself out of my comfort zone and did something I normally would never do and still I was rejected and back on the shame spiral. It's becoming like a regular ride at Disneyland. It still bothers me and I am not happy. I feel hurt and upset. So I guess I'll just ask: Is it fixable? How do we fix it? YOUR, WIFE.”
Tuesday, April 1st, 2008 1:35 P.M.
“Alright if you feel you really need to pin me down. Yes, I do feel that if you were thinner it would help me preform. But if I try and aid you in anyway you get mad at me. I know in the next life it will not be an issue and I also know all the arguments about unconditional love.
If I were to be as honest as you have been. I would say I feel like a peep-squeak. I want to be upstanding for you. I have never cheated on you and yes, I feel like everything will be fine. I am not trying to force anything on you, but if it takes paying for help I will do that. I feel useless in the fact that I know so many things to help, but you will not let me help you. We have to fix your foot more than anything else. That is a health stopper and if you get pregnant it will cause a lot of pain. We can keep this to email if you want. However, I do not want to give up or have you feel I am picking on you when clearly I am the one at fault. Love, Rick.”
Tuesday, April 1st, 2008 2:12 P.M.
“What does this mean? “If I were to be as honest as you have been. I would say I feel like a peep-squeak.” Do you mean a pip squeak? And what is it that makes you feel like a pip squeak? So you really aren't attracted to me. I was right in feeling the way I do. And last night I was right about your little innuendo. Okay well, just answer the question above please.”
Tuesday, April 1st, 2008 3:10 P.M.
“I do not give little innuendos, maybe I have said something trying not to hurt your feelings. And as far as weight loss goes I just thought the BodyBugg sounded cool. Attraction is not black or white. I would say, 'As.'”
Tuesday, April 01, 2008 03:33 P.M.
“The attraction is either there or it isn't. I didn't say it was black and white. Thank you for being honest with me finally. I guess now I will have to revue my options and make a decision. Just so you know. I am left with the feelings of humiliation, and resentment. I now have the information which I already knew it just wasn't confirmed and now that it is. I am not sure how to proceed.
Please understand the difficulty I will now have in being near or around you, knowing now how you really feel. Even if I wanted to I am not going to become thin over night, so if I do lose weight it will take at least a year to get to a “NORMAL” size. So for a year I will have those same feelings of humiliation and being ashamed of who I am. I am so embarrassed right now, I can't believe I ever thought someone could love me like this. I wish I could go back 9 years ago and tell myself not to call your number. It would have been better for me to not have known what it was like to almost be happy. I regret now having children with you. It would have made it so much easier for me to just let you go. Now I have them to consider. At this point I am not sure what to do. Do we just say okay let's get divorced? Do we tell your parents and my family? Should we just live together in separate bedrooms? Maybe for the sake of the kids we should do the latter. Unless you think that would screw them up more. I guess it doesn't really matter at this point they will probably be screwed up no matter what. I was a fool to think you actually were in love with me. I came home the other night thinking it would be okay. I realize now it's not and it won't be.
I am sorry for taking the last nine years of your life and for being such a disappointment to you. I don't know what else to say, but I don't think I could handle you looking at me so please understand that when you come home tonight I really don't want to see you. For dinner you guys can have the potato salad and I bought a thing of that microwave meat that you like. Follow the directions on the box. If you don't want that I am sure you guys could find something. I will be in the upstairs bedroom with the door locked.
Please respect my wishes. I'll put some garments and socks in Logan's drawers in his room. You can get your clothes from their and sleep downstairs in your chair. Boy am I glad that you were “inspired” to get that!”
Tuesday, April 1st, 2008 3:42 P.M.
“Are you on your meds? You are a very pretty girl and I think you should stop this line of thinking before you hurt yourself. I apologize I am not perfect, I wish I was. It is true my meds effect my moods or great lack there of. But you are wrong to think you are not pretty. I do not know what to do to help you.”
Tuesday, April 01, 2008 03:57 P.M.
“No. But believe me in saying that anyone would feel the way that I do. If they were told by their husband of 9 years that he wasn't attracted to her and that the fact that he couldn't get aroused was because of the fact that he wasn't attracted to her.
I am not sure what line of “thinking” you are referring too. I am just being honest. Don't worry I won't make a mistake like showing to much skin again. I should have just went with my general instinct to stay completely covered up. It won't happen again. I am sure that is a relief for both you and me. I am sure it was embarrassing for you as well.
You don't need to lie anymore. I just have one question for you though. WHY? Why did you marry me? Why did you ask? Why not just stop the pretending earlier on, I mean if it was just some kind of experiment to sleep with someone fat? I just don't understand that part. The hardest part for me now is I have no one to talk to. I already told Lacy everything was fine and that it turned out you were worried I was going to die so you were upset. She thought that was so sweet by the way. I can't tell her now that it was a lie. I have no one.”
Tuesday, April 1st, 2008 4:04 P.M.
“I asked you to marry me, because I love you silly. You have Heather, the Bishop, and others. I am not dead either. Why would I want to hurt you?”
Tuesday, April 1st, 2008 4:39 P.M.
“I know your very capable of loving someone, like the way you love your friend Malcolm or your kids, parents siblings. I get it. But you weren't in love with me. There is a difference I may be fat and unattractive, but I still think I deserve to have at least that.”
Tuesday, April 1st, 2008 4:47 P.M.
“You need to see Dr Earp or somebody. ASAP.”
That would be the last email in that conversation. Do I really need to call and get an appointment with the doctor? How would he fix things? How would my marriage survive? I walk into my bathroom and turn the water on. I turn it so the bathroom fills with steam and the water is too hot to barely stand I climb in and start to sob in tears. My worst fear has come true. My husband has no love for me. Not in the way I want to be loved. I finish my bath while my children are at the neighbors house playing. I put on pajamas, I don't feel the need to get dressed. Who do I need to impress?
I brush my wet hair and pull it back into a pony tail. I have self loathing as I look at myself in the mirror. I see myself not as the person I am. Not as Laurissa and Logan's Mommy or Ricks wife. Not as the daughter or the daughter-in-law, not as a sister or friend and not even as a daughter of god. But I see my self as the ugly monster I have become. She is unhappy and over weight. She doesn't even like herself, how can she expect her own husband to love her. I lay down on my bed and look at the clock on Rick's side of the bed. It's almost 5:30 and he will be home soon. I shiver at the thought of having to face him. I get up and lock the door. I lay there sobbing silently into my pillow, feeling as if my world is about to end. There is a knock at the door. It is Rick. “Honey.... let me in please.”
“No.” I reply in an almost yelling tone and I continue, “Please just respect my wishes, it's the least you can do for me.”
He starts again choking on the words, “I can't do that Airaka. I need to see you now. Please I need to see that you are OK.” His pleading tone tugs at my heart strings. I can't resist, I sit up and wipe my tears from my eyes. I walk over to the door and open it to see my husband my prince standing there. He pushes the door open and locks it behind him. He grabs me in an embrace and then bends down to kiss me tenderly on my mouth. He brushes my tears away and walks me over to the bed and gently pushes me down on the bed. He lays next to me and holds me. Telling me how much he loves me. He tells me he wants to work things out. He starts to touch me and I shiver in fright. The tears begin again and as we make love, I sob.
The next day I am still a mess, it will be a week that I will go with out eating. Only drinking water. I will pull all the pictures off the wall of him and I together locking them up in my hope chest. I finally start to realize after further communication. His fear in losing me is something that helped to contribute to his lack of desire to want to be with me in that physical way. He was afraid that I would die young as my Mom had passed at 46 after years of fighting her illness. He didn't want to lose me to heart disease or something else associated with obesity.
My head becomes clearer, I start to realize this is a life style change that is about choosing life while I am living. It's not a diet. I change my eating habits and start to put me first in that aspect I spend a little extra money to drink diet shakes one for breakfast and one for lunch. I am successful. I start to see results.
Tuesday, July 6th, 2009 5:09 P.M.
I sit here and cry as I help to contribute my part to this book. Sharing intimate thoughts and details of a marriage. Things I wouldn't dare even have shared with the closest of family members. The embarrassment still comes back to me and my cheeks grow pink. Rick sits across from me and I catch him look my way he smiles. I smile back not knowing if what I am doing is right, but I continue anyway. I realize how right he is in saying there is some sort of therapy from writing.
It's been a little over a year and I have lost over sixty pounds of weight. Quite an accomplishment I think. I know I still have more to lose but it isn't just about the weight its choosing life and everyday I choose life and I choose me and I choose my marriage. Depression has been in my life. I have watched close family members suffer, I have watched my husband suffer, and I myself have suffered from it. Depression can be like cancer eating its way into any family and home. It's there and you don't realize it until sometimes its too late. I hope this book will be a way for you to see and recognize the signs that the words and lives we have shared with you will not be in vain.
With all things it takes love, strength, and faith to overcome such obstacles. Depression isn't always healed. It's sometimes just put under control. I can only hope that in sharing my small portion that it will help give you a little understanding of dealing with depression from a spouses point of view. Although Rick's meds also play a huge part in our lack of physical intimacy. I was just as much to blame. It is working through these issues in constructive communication that we were able to find truth, see both sides, and work together as a team. Rick has been a strength and has helped me in so many ways. Little bits of encouragement. My favorite is when he calls me, “The Incredible shrinking woman!” It brightens my day and makes me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile. I think of quotes that get me through.
“I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.” And. “After the storm comes the rainbow.” These small simple words bring comfort and encouragement. I remember the most important words I've ever heard. “I LOVE YOU” and for now it's enough.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
THE HONEY MOON IS OVER
THE HONEY MOON IS OVER
by Airaka Nichole Espinoza Price
We spend our honeymoon in Las Vegas, Nevada courtesy of his loving parents. We enjoy our spending time together riding roller coasters and seeing Hoover dam among other things. We go to my parent's house to collect our wedding gifts that my parents are holding for us. We become enthralled in opening up all the wonderful items that would help us start our new life together. We try hard to look happy and act happy, but on the way home I had been crying.
Things were different and I sensed this, it was hard as I realized that marrying someone who takes medication for depression can cause them to behave differently. They are less likely to want to preform marital duties as a young bride at the age of twenty I had expected more. It is not that we did not share in each other, but it did not seem like the stories I had heard. I became confused and broken hearted. Rick was my first kiss therefore my first everything. I didn't know how its supposed to be I only knew how I thought it was supposed to be. As we drove home I became frustrated and ashamed and finally broke down, afraid to talk to anyone about our experience and wondering what I did wrong. What's wrong with me that he doesn't want me, begin to overpower me and I began to go down the shame spiral. I quickly calculated everything wrong with my physical appearance and as most women would do I take the blame. It's all my fault.
The first year is hard for any married couple you adjust to one another's habits and likes and dislikes, as you learn the boundaries and how to respect those boundaries. Right from the start we decided birth control was unnecessary. Imagine my surprise when after almost a year nothing has happened. We go to the doctor where I find out that one thing I am supposed to be able to do as a woman, I would not be able to do with out help it is hard for me to accept this. I feel broken inside and ashamed. Rick is comforting and continues to show his love for me, telling me it will be OK.
We have already gone through two job losses his and mine. Rick heads to school to get his education at the technical center as a gift from his parents and takes a job as a security guard part time at night to help make ends meet. I look for work unsuccessfully. Things are very hard, but we start the colmed medication as we are told it could take up to a year before it even works. We consider this and realize that Rick would be done with school and should have a good job. We think the timing will work out so I start the medication and we both make sacrifices to pay for it.
The time arrives for us to celebrate our first anniversary. We stay at a hotel up in Park City and things look like they are not going to go according to plan. I start to get anxious and by anxious I mean it is the starting of an underlying condition I have never had officially diagnosed with, an anxiety disorder. Rick has dealt with it before and rather well, he calms me and comforts me. He tries to get me to express my feelings and use my words in a proper way. I struggle with this at first but realize if I don't I might lose my marriage, however this time we find out I am pregnant and my hormones have just started to go crazy.
It is a miracle as progesterone levels are still way too low, we are ecstatic to our parents. I will be blessed to have all of the hormone changes that women go through in pregnancy. My moods start to roller coaster will be up and down and all around. Rick is forever sweet and comforting, but we now have the added stress of extended family issues. The pregnancy itself goes pretty smooth until November when I almost lose the baby. I am 11 weeks pregnant. I have wanted to be a mother from the time I was a little girl. I wanted to be like my mom. I'm so scared and pray.
“Please, God don't take this baby from me...”
While I am praying, Janet, a co-worker rushes me to the emergency room and my parents meet me there and eventually Rick comes too. He has been doing extraction work for the church. When all is said and done I am put on bed rest for the rest of the trimester. As I care for my unborn by keeping as still as possible I have faith that everything will turn out like its supposed to and in due course we have a little girl. She is beautiful and when we look into her crystal blue eyes we see heaven.
She is the joy in our lives during a rather difficult time, because even as she is still new to our home we go eighteen months with no pay from the job Rick got two and a half weeks before our daughter was born, just barely getting her on the insurance. During this period of no pay I become pregnant with our second child and it is not the greatest of times as it is 9/11 is still fresh and the Enron scandals are having a great impact on us as Rick cannot find another job and we settle for keeping the insurance. Money is scarce but we somehow manage to live in our apartment and still have Ricks medication paid for with the help from mine and Rick's parents. By the end of the eighteen months we have our little boy and a percentage of back pay. Things are looking up so we move into a bigger apartment. During this time Rick is able to finish school his bachelors degree. I am so proud.
Marriage isn't easy, extended family can cause issues and of course we deal with this on both sides. My feelings get hurt, but Rick has a good head on his shoulders. He tries to teach me how to understand others starting by understanding my parents as people and to have patience for others and in my actions. All of these issues are big issues that some people want to make into small things so they do not have to deal with them.
In my case patience is something that even in my patriarchal blessing I am told to seek after. It is a virtue that I must learn as I have very little patience and even less when it comes to the subject of intimacy with my husband. As the kids lie asleep in their beds in their rooms and the time is ours. I lay next to him and slide my hand around his waste. He grabs my hand and moves it away putting it on my own side. I'm shocked and then embarrassed. He pats my hand as if I am in kindergarten and I wonder what he is thinking as I roll over on my side and begin to sob silently praying he doesn't hear me. It would only bring further embarrassment. I again go down the shame spiral. It's all my fault. I am not attractive enough. If I was attractive and thin it wouldn't matter that he is on medication. He would want me the way I want him.
by Airaka Nichole Espinoza Price
We spend our honeymoon in Las Vegas, Nevada courtesy of his loving parents. We enjoy our spending time together riding roller coasters and seeing Hoover dam among other things. We go to my parent's house to collect our wedding gifts that my parents are holding for us. We become enthralled in opening up all the wonderful items that would help us start our new life together. We try hard to look happy and act happy, but on the way home I had been crying.
Things were different and I sensed this, it was hard as I realized that marrying someone who takes medication for depression can cause them to behave differently. They are less likely to want to preform marital duties as a young bride at the age of twenty I had expected more. It is not that we did not share in each other, but it did not seem like the stories I had heard. I became confused and broken hearted. Rick was my first kiss therefore my first everything. I didn't know how its supposed to be I only knew how I thought it was supposed to be. As we drove home I became frustrated and ashamed and finally broke down, afraid to talk to anyone about our experience and wondering what I did wrong. What's wrong with me that he doesn't want me, begin to overpower me and I began to go down the shame spiral. I quickly calculated everything wrong with my physical appearance and as most women would do I take the blame. It's all my fault.
The first year is hard for any married couple you adjust to one another's habits and likes and dislikes, as you learn the boundaries and how to respect those boundaries. Right from the start we decided birth control was unnecessary. Imagine my surprise when after almost a year nothing has happened. We go to the doctor where I find out that one thing I am supposed to be able to do as a woman, I would not be able to do with out help it is hard for me to accept this. I feel broken inside and ashamed. Rick is comforting and continues to show his love for me, telling me it will be OK.
We have already gone through two job losses his and mine. Rick heads to school to get his education at the technical center as a gift from his parents and takes a job as a security guard part time at night to help make ends meet. I look for work unsuccessfully. Things are very hard, but we start the colmed medication as we are told it could take up to a year before it even works. We consider this and realize that Rick would be done with school and should have a good job. We think the timing will work out so I start the medication and we both make sacrifices to pay for it.
The time arrives for us to celebrate our first anniversary. We stay at a hotel up in Park City and things look like they are not going to go according to plan. I start to get anxious and by anxious I mean it is the starting of an underlying condition I have never had officially diagnosed with, an anxiety disorder. Rick has dealt with it before and rather well, he calms me and comforts me. He tries to get me to express my feelings and use my words in a proper way. I struggle with this at first but realize if I don't I might lose my marriage, however this time we find out I am pregnant and my hormones have just started to go crazy.
It is a miracle as progesterone levels are still way too low, we are ecstatic to our parents. I will be blessed to have all of the hormone changes that women go through in pregnancy. My moods start to roller coaster will be up and down and all around. Rick is forever sweet and comforting, but we now have the added stress of extended family issues. The pregnancy itself goes pretty smooth until November when I almost lose the baby. I am 11 weeks pregnant. I have wanted to be a mother from the time I was a little girl. I wanted to be like my mom. I'm so scared and pray.
“Please, God don't take this baby from me...”
While I am praying, Janet, a co-worker rushes me to the emergency room and my parents meet me there and eventually Rick comes too. He has been doing extraction work for the church. When all is said and done I am put on bed rest for the rest of the trimester. As I care for my unborn by keeping as still as possible I have faith that everything will turn out like its supposed to and in due course we have a little girl. She is beautiful and when we look into her crystal blue eyes we see heaven.
She is the joy in our lives during a rather difficult time, because even as she is still new to our home we go eighteen months with no pay from the job Rick got two and a half weeks before our daughter was born, just barely getting her on the insurance. During this period of no pay I become pregnant with our second child and it is not the greatest of times as it is 9/11 is still fresh and the Enron scandals are having a great impact on us as Rick cannot find another job and we settle for keeping the insurance. Money is scarce but we somehow manage to live in our apartment and still have Ricks medication paid for with the help from mine and Rick's parents. By the end of the eighteen months we have our little boy and a percentage of back pay. Things are looking up so we move into a bigger apartment. During this time Rick is able to finish school his bachelors degree. I am so proud.
Marriage isn't easy, extended family can cause issues and of course we deal with this on both sides. My feelings get hurt, but Rick has a good head on his shoulders. He tries to teach me how to understand others starting by understanding my parents as people and to have patience for others and in my actions. All of these issues are big issues that some people want to make into small things so they do not have to deal with them.
In my case patience is something that even in my patriarchal blessing I am told to seek after. It is a virtue that I must learn as I have very little patience and even less when it comes to the subject of intimacy with my husband. As the kids lie asleep in their beds in their rooms and the time is ours. I lay next to him and slide my hand around his waste. He grabs my hand and moves it away putting it on my own side. I'm shocked and then embarrassed. He pats my hand as if I am in kindergarten and I wonder what he is thinking as I roll over on my side and begin to sob silently praying he doesn't hear me. It would only bring further embarrassment. I again go down the shame spiral. It's all my fault. I am not attractive enough. If I was attractive and thin it wouldn't matter that he is on medication. He would want me the way I want him.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
The Beginning Through Airaka's Eyes
The Beginning Through Airaka's Eyes
by Airaka Nichole Espinoza Price
It is late February of 1999, the snow is just beginning to melt and with that comes the blossoms on the trees that start new life. Spring is the time of year my mother would say when people were “twitter pated”. We are almost into the third month of the year and I have only been on one date thus far. I am discouraged being nineteen years old, almost twenty and completely ready to be married. I am ready to be someone's wife and take on the noble calling of a mother. I am angry and upset that I seem to have no prospects. “What's wrong with me?” I cry out to no one.
It's Sunday and the day is almost over. It's getting darker and I can see the moon through my basement window. I live at home with my parents still. In a makeshift apartment in the basement that was once used by my grandparents. I kneel down beside my bed and start to pray. I thank my Heavenly Father for my blessings and then as I sit there in quietness and ponder I say to him.
“Heavenly Father, thou knowest whats in my heart. Thou knowest what is best for me. I am ready when you are.” I get up from my knees feeling like a burden has been lifted. I climb the stairs up to the family room upstairs to meet the aroma of dinner cooking.
Monday comes and goes, Tuesday as well. Wednesday I am sitting at the new family computer that my Dad had bought for Christmas. It's the first time my family has connected to the world wide web. I am gleefully enjoying my experience meeting people online from around the world in chat rooms. I am in a chat room talking to a man from Layton, Utah. He seems so much older than I am as he is twenty-seven so I'm not too interested. I've decided not to date anyone. I soon receive an instant message from someone I don't recall ever speaking to. He starts to ask me questions about my self. “What do you look like? Tell me about your self? If I give you my number will you call me?”
I am amazed that this person thinks to ask such things. My replies are honest and true, I tell him exactly what I look like not sugar coating it but being truthfully honest. I tell him I love to sing and I ask if he is a Mormon. He replies, “Yes”, and that he is an R.M. I am confused at what an R.M. is I say, “What is that?”
“A returned missionary! Are you sure your Mormon?”
I am embarrassed so I quickly say, “I am just not familiar with the term.”
“If I give you my number will you call me?”
I'm sacred and tell my Mom, who is in the kitchen. Being the ever loving, happy woman she is she tries to encourage me and tells me to, “Do it!” in an excited tone of a teenage girlfriend. I tell him sure why not. I figure its safe I call him he doesn't have my number. I forget about a little new invention called caller ID. I wait a few hours then call this man who calls him self, Rick. Our conversation goes like this. “Hi this is the girl you met on the Internet.”
“WOW, that was really brave of you to call.”
I giggle nervously as we begin to talk the usual conversation when you first meet someone. He then asks me to sing for him and for strange reason I do. I am not nearly as nervous as I usually am when singing in front of family. There is a comfort there. We talk more and time passes by the end of our call it would be in the six o'clock hour of a new day.
He tells me everything from his past. He talks to me about his illness as a teenager and shares some of his feelings from his experiences during that time. I am shocked by all that has happened to him, but have a feeling of wanting to protect him and hold him. A man that I have not even seen yet. There is a deep connection. As we share our lives with each other over the telephone. He then asks me out for Friday night. I start to step backwards as I say, “You don't even know what I look like.”
He then responds with words of wisdom to that pierce my soul, “We have connected spiritually, Mentally and now all that is left is physically and I am not worried about it.”
I agree to the date for Friday evening. Rick is more than I could have ever hoped for. He is a clean cut good looking man who happens to be twenty-eight. He is calm and he is a gentleman. On our way out the door he takes my hand as we walk to the car where he opens the door up for me. In the car he holds my hand. I am nervous and worried, but I need not be. By the end of the date when he drops me at home. I think to myself in a sarcastic tone that went well. He won't call back, he is just one more face that will forever be in my memories of a first date.
I go in to the house and head down to my room. I heat up leftovers from dinner as I hadn't eaten yet. I turn on my television set and settle on a romantic comedy one of my favorites. The phone rings. Startled, I run to answer it. Worried that it will wake the house up.
“Hello.” I say in quiet tones.
An enthusiastic, “Hi”, is on the other end. It's Rick.
“What are you doing?” I ask him in bewildered wonderment.
“I am calling you back.”
I am confused as I don't remember calling him. “I didn't call you.”
On the other end I hear a sigh and then the word, “NO”, then the tone softens and I he continues. “You said no one ever calls you back. I'm calling you back!” I realize in that moment he is referring to our past conversation. I had explained to him that no one ever called me back for a second date. He is proving me wrong. My heart melts, as I know this man is different from all the rest and in my eyes he's turned out to be something better.
This is just the start of our whirlwind romance. It starts out so fast I get lost in the moments. He comes see me every day of our courtship, we are engaged on May 6th, 1999 a Thursday. Time becomes a dream and on September 1st, 1999, we become husband and wife for time and all eternity. We our sealed in the Salt Lake Temple for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Ours is a fairytale wedding, I am the princess and he is my prince.
by Airaka Nichole Espinoza Price
It is late February of 1999, the snow is just beginning to melt and with that comes the blossoms on the trees that start new life. Spring is the time of year my mother would say when people were “twitter pated”. We are almost into the third month of the year and I have only been on one date thus far. I am discouraged being nineteen years old, almost twenty and completely ready to be married. I am ready to be someone's wife and take on the noble calling of a mother. I am angry and upset that I seem to have no prospects. “What's wrong with me?” I cry out to no one.
It's Sunday and the day is almost over. It's getting darker and I can see the moon through my basement window. I live at home with my parents still. In a makeshift apartment in the basement that was once used by my grandparents. I kneel down beside my bed and start to pray. I thank my Heavenly Father for my blessings and then as I sit there in quietness and ponder I say to him.
“Heavenly Father, thou knowest whats in my heart. Thou knowest what is best for me. I am ready when you are.” I get up from my knees feeling like a burden has been lifted. I climb the stairs up to the family room upstairs to meet the aroma of dinner cooking.
Monday comes and goes, Tuesday as well. Wednesday I am sitting at the new family computer that my Dad had bought for Christmas. It's the first time my family has connected to the world wide web. I am gleefully enjoying my experience meeting people online from around the world in chat rooms. I am in a chat room talking to a man from Layton, Utah. He seems so much older than I am as he is twenty-seven so I'm not too interested. I've decided not to date anyone. I soon receive an instant message from someone I don't recall ever speaking to. He starts to ask me questions about my self. “What do you look like? Tell me about your self? If I give you my number will you call me?”
I am amazed that this person thinks to ask such things. My replies are honest and true, I tell him exactly what I look like not sugar coating it but being truthfully honest. I tell him I love to sing and I ask if he is a Mormon. He replies, “Yes”, and that he is an R.M. I am confused at what an R.M. is I say, “What is that?”
“A returned missionary! Are you sure your Mormon?”
I am embarrassed so I quickly say, “I am just not familiar with the term.”
“If I give you my number will you call me?”
I'm sacred and tell my Mom, who is in the kitchen. Being the ever loving, happy woman she is she tries to encourage me and tells me to, “Do it!” in an excited tone of a teenage girlfriend. I tell him sure why not. I figure its safe I call him he doesn't have my number. I forget about a little new invention called caller ID. I wait a few hours then call this man who calls him self, Rick. Our conversation goes like this. “Hi this is the girl you met on the Internet.”
“WOW, that was really brave of you to call.”
I giggle nervously as we begin to talk the usual conversation when you first meet someone. He then asks me to sing for him and for strange reason I do. I am not nearly as nervous as I usually am when singing in front of family. There is a comfort there. We talk more and time passes by the end of our call it would be in the six o'clock hour of a new day.
He tells me everything from his past. He talks to me about his illness as a teenager and shares some of his feelings from his experiences during that time. I am shocked by all that has happened to him, but have a feeling of wanting to protect him and hold him. A man that I have not even seen yet. There is a deep connection. As we share our lives with each other over the telephone. He then asks me out for Friday night. I start to step backwards as I say, “You don't even know what I look like.”
He then responds with words of wisdom to that pierce my soul, “We have connected spiritually, Mentally and now all that is left is physically and I am not worried about it.”
I agree to the date for Friday evening. Rick is more than I could have ever hoped for. He is a clean cut good looking man who happens to be twenty-eight. He is calm and he is a gentleman. On our way out the door he takes my hand as we walk to the car where he opens the door up for me. In the car he holds my hand. I am nervous and worried, but I need not be. By the end of the date when he drops me at home. I think to myself in a sarcastic tone that went well. He won't call back, he is just one more face that will forever be in my memories of a first date.
I go in to the house and head down to my room. I heat up leftovers from dinner as I hadn't eaten yet. I turn on my television set and settle on a romantic comedy one of my favorites. The phone rings. Startled, I run to answer it. Worried that it will wake the house up.
“Hello.” I say in quiet tones.
An enthusiastic, “Hi”, is on the other end. It's Rick.
“What are you doing?” I ask him in bewildered wonderment.
“I am calling you back.”
I am confused as I don't remember calling him. “I didn't call you.”
On the other end I hear a sigh and then the word, “NO”, then the tone softens and I he continues. “You said no one ever calls you back. I'm calling you back!” I realize in that moment he is referring to our past conversation. I had explained to him that no one ever called me back for a second date. He is proving me wrong. My heart melts, as I know this man is different from all the rest and in my eyes he's turned out to be something better.
This is just the start of our whirlwind romance. It starts out so fast I get lost in the moments. He comes see me every day of our courtship, we are engaged on May 6th, 1999 a Thursday. Time becomes a dream and on September 1st, 1999, we become husband and wife for time and all eternity. We our sealed in the Salt Lake Temple for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Ours is a fairytale wedding, I am the princess and he is my prince.
Silence no more
I thought this might be a way for me to gain some free therapy, from writing. I wanted to share my story.. so these first three chapters are something that were supposed to go in the book that Rick was writing.. but it is my story and so I shall keep it and tell it. I am a bit embarrassed by all that has happened and sharing such intimate details of a marriage that has been private.. but maybe my story will give others hope and strength.. those who suffer in silence never telling friends or family how hurt they really are.
My mask became to much to wear anymore... it started to chip and the real me was becoming exposed. I couldn't hide it any longer.
This will be a place for me to share my thoughts when I feel like it as I go through the many changes and obstacle Divorce can bring and lets not forget emotions.
Thanks for being there for me those of you who are.. you are my rocks.. and I love you. Hugs Airaka.. Ms. WHATYAMACALLIT
My mask became to much to wear anymore... it started to chip and the real me was becoming exposed. I couldn't hide it any longer.
This will be a place for me to share my thoughts when I feel like it as I go through the many changes and obstacle Divorce can bring and lets not forget emotions.
Thanks for being there for me those of you who are.. you are my rocks.. and I love you. Hugs Airaka.. Ms. WHATYAMACALLIT
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